internet brain

it can happen to you

so apparently i just celebrated my ten year twitter anniversary, as evident by the screenshot below

i have noticed that after enough time spent on the internet — and specifically on twitter — i have a few symptoms that i cant seem to shake.

i like to think of it as an affliction, unofficially diagnosed from a combination of webMD and late night googling.

i call it “internet brain”

coming down with internet brain has changed my life, mostly for the worse. here are some of my symptoms:

— i cant seem to read books anymore

— i experience daily life through the lens of “that would make a good twete”

— i have thumb cramps from constant scrolling to refresh

— i check my phone, put it in my pocket, then immediately pull it out to check again

— i maintain encyclopedic knowledge of extremely specific internet fights

— i follow too many people

— i dont follow enough people

— i follow an ironic number of people, such as 69, 420 or 666

— i assume everyone knows what i am talking about

— often literally no one knows what i am talking about

— i have an unavoidable compulsion to keep posting, even when i look like an asshole

— i have dry mouth

— i have constipation

unfortunately it is too late for me.

but if you or your loved ones suffer from internet brain, seek help by contacting your general practitioner, who will refer you to a specialist*.

*internet brain is not covered by most insurance plans. please ask your health care provider for more information.